


Tear me to pieces (and then put me back together again)

by MABlake



Series: Take my pain and take my sins [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bellamy and Clarke talk it out, F/M, Late Night Conversations, Minor Bellamy/Echo, Murphy tries to protect Clarke, They are not the only ones, even if she doesn't need it, minor as in they are over by the third chapter of this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-10-19 01:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17591900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MABlake/pseuds/MABlake
Summary: "He should’ve asked, when he first noticed that whenever Clarke left the room, and Echo was not far behind, Madi always made a point of sending someone with them. He’d thought it was related to the drama going on there, but he should’ve known better. The kid had a damn AI in her mind, for fuck’s sake. It had to be something serious."Or, Murphy discovers that Echo tried to choke Clarke before they left the earth and nobody had told him, so of course the first thing he does is confront the people responsible for it. It leads to a lot of conversations that needed to be had.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know what is this. I was planning another story, but I needed some conversations being had between the characters and I don't like using a lot of flashbacks, so here we are. I hope you like this! There will be more chapters soon.

 

He still couldn’t believe the fact that no one had told him. 

He felt betrayed, and excluded. This time, however, it wasn’t his choice. The people he called friends for years, the ones who were supposed to be family, they had lied to him.  

(Maybe that was the reason he stayed away from them on the Ring.) 

He understood why Clarke wouldn’t want to tell him. She knew what an asshole he was, and that the first thing he would've done after knowing would be stupid. But the others? Fuck, not just the others— 

Hell, he was going to kill Bellamy. 

He should’ve asked, when he first noticed that whenever Clarke left the room, and Echo was not far behind, Madi always made a point of sending someone with them. He’d thought it was related to the drama going on there, but he should’ve known better. The kid had a damn AI in her mind, for fuck’s sake. It had to be something serious.  

It was better this way. That Madi had spoken for the woman who was like her mother. He couldn’t believe it, yet, that everyone else had hidden something like that from him. 

Jordan was as surprised as him when they heard what happened, but he was so angry he didn’t see the glance he and Madi shared when he left their tent. 

He didn't realize where his feet were carrying him, but soon enough, he was where he wanted to be. They were all gathered in front of a fire when he arrived and, okay, Octavia wasn’t part of his plan in any way, but she was there, so. Whatever. He wasn’t going to keep his anger in a bottle waiting for a better moment to say something. Murphy was giving them a piece of his mind right then and there. 

“Hey, Murphy,” Raven said when she saw him coming with a welcoming, warm smile. “Where have you been?” 

If Bellamy was there, Murphy would’ve killed him with his bare hands after that piece of information he was given. Lucky him, he was probably with Clarke somewhere else. It was better that way. 

He snarled at her, and then to the rest of the group. “When were you planning to tell me?” 

Emori frowned at him from her seat between Echo and Raven. “What are you talking about?” 

But he wasn’t going to go direct to the point. He’d been quiet because Clarke asked him to, but he had so much venom inside of him by then, and John Murphy wasn’t anything but honest. An asshole, and a cockroach, but honest nonetheless. 

“You’ve been judging Clarke from the outskirts from weeks now, telling yourselves that you’re better than her. And you know what? It’s a  _goddamn_  lie.” 

“Not again,” Emori muttered, rubbing her temples. 

Echo eyed her. “Has he been given you trouble for her new best friend, too?” 

She snorted. “That’s the understatement of the century.” 

“ _Shut up_ , because this time you will listen to me,” he growled, and the people finally realized how serious he was. Even Bellamy’s sister, who had been quiet and uninterested since his arrival, was paying attention. “I’ve been sitting and not saying anything because I respect Clarke, and she asked me not to, but I was having an interesting chat with her daughter and discovered some things, and I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut. I thought that you’ll finally stop being this stupid when we were closer to have a settlement again, but I guess I was wrong and the only people who grew up while we were on the Ring were Monty, Harper, Bellamy and me. You are all being childish.” 

“How so, Murphy?” Echo intervened. “You are the one who is talking to the enemy.” 

He laughed humorlessly. “Damn, you’re all blind. Everyone hated Clarke because she took every decision that no one wanted to take, because she made mistakes. Well, fucking tell me—is any of you perfect? Because I didn’t know. Clarke just did what she always does: she protected her family. She wasn’t sure where she stood with us. Fuck, I’m not even talking about Echo or Emori. Bellamy betrayed her when he put the chip in Madi’s head, and you, Raven, you just— _watched_  while Echo choked her in Madi’s presence. Who  _the fuck_ does that?” 

“She left Bellamy to die,” Echo spat with venom, while Raven looked at the ground, her jaw clenching. 

“Until when will that excuse be enough? She spared your life.” He looked at the woman who once was his girlfriend. “She saved  _us_  countless of times. She injected herself with the nightblood that they were going to put on you just because she knew what you meant to me! She’s the reason we had each other for six years up in space, and even when we paid her by leaving her behind to die,  _she waited for us!_ ” 

“You can’t force us to talk to her,” Emori said, calmly. 

“I’m not trying to do that!” he shouted, disbelieving. “I just want you to cut the crap. You don’t want to talk to Clarke? Fine, but stop saying mean things about her. Apologize for treat her like shit when all she did was give her life for us! She was just being a mother watching out for her kid. You know nothing, so stop acting like you do.” 

“She betrayed Bellamy! You can’t expect us to—” 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Echo. Stop being so hypocrite. You did worse when you were Azgeda. You were trying to keep on the good side of your queen or king at the time. Clarke was protecting the only person that stood by her side during six years.” He looked around the group. “Have any of you thought about that? She was alone, and that girl was everything she had. Just stop this shit and we’ll be fucking fine.” 

“Well, maybe we don’t want to be.” 

He rolled his eyes at Raven. “We all would be dead without her. And if Bellamy is being smart for once in his life by forgiving her, you should too. Clarke has made shitty mistakes, but haven’t we all done the same? Monty and Harper told Jordan to wake  _her_  and Bellamy, and then they said they wanted  _her_  to take care of him. Isn’t their trust some kind of proof or something? The only one who has any right to be mad at her is Bellamy and he is not! Suck it up and move on.” 

Echo snorted. “You do remember which of us was the one who had his own side of the Ring, right?” 

“I grew up,” he retorted. “You guys should learn to do the same someday.” 

“She can go to hell, for all I care. She did—” 

“Oh, shut up, Echo. She was in fucking hell for six years.” 

She raised an eyebrow. “If you’re expecting us to forgive her, that’s never going to happen.” 

He made a sound of frustration at the back of his throat. “That’s not what I want here.  _Haven’t you been listening?_  Your fucking problem is that you can’t do something other than hate her because you’re waiting for Bellamy to leave you, and you know it will be for her. I’ll tell you something. The way you’ve been acting is going to end things between you and him, without her being the reason.”  

“ _Murphy._ ” Raven hissed. 

“Come and talk to me when you’re done being assholes,” he told the group, he pointed a finger in Echo’s direction. “—and you better get away from wherever Clarke is. I don’t want to hear that you almost choked her to death again.” 

He hadn’t noticed that Jordan had left to search for Bellamy and Clarke, and they arrived just in time to listen the last part of his rant, so when Murphy turned to leave, he saw them, the shock in Bellamy’s face was enough to make him sigh in relief.  _He didn’t know_ , he thought. And then he wanted to slap himself. Honestly, the man had been in love with Clarke for years, and it was idiotic to think that he would've been fine with it if he knew.

His eyes were wide with disbelief, and he looked between Murphy and their group of friends, speechless.  

“What the fuck is he talking about?” he asked, sounding breathless, as if he had been just punched in the gut. 

Clarke put a reassuring hand on his arm, feeling all the tension in his body. “It’s nothing.” 

He stopped glaring at the others, and his gaze softened when he looked at her. It was nauseating, but Murphy was already getting used to it again. He frowned in concern at her, looking at her neck, as if he could see the marks. “Clarke?” 

She looked away, but Bellamy wouldn’t remain without response, so he looked at Murphy, hoping he would answer him. 

He exhaled, exasperated, already feeling more calmed that how he’d been a few minutes before, when he thought his friend knew about it and was okay with ignoring something so significant. “Madi told me that Echo tried to choke Clarke when we were still on Earth.” 

“Echo?” he asked, and everyone knew he was expecting some kind of joke. “Is that true?” 

“She left you to die,” she hissed, angry at him, at her, at everything.  

Clarke closed her eyes, as if the words had turned into daggers and she had been stabbed by them. She sighed, and then left without replying at the accusation.  

“And I forgave her,” he retorted, clenching his jaw. “Wasn’t that enough?” 

He didn’t wait for an answer, he just followed Clarke out of there.  

“What a drama, huh.” Octavia snorted, and Murphy remembered for the second time that she was there. “Good luck with that,” she told Echo with a mocking smile, when the former warrior raised from her seat to go after him, immediately accelerating her steps to catch up with him. “The last person that tried something against her didn’t have a good time!” 

Murphy wondered what that meant. Knowing Octavia, she wouldn’t be willing to share, so he needed to talk with Madi again.  

It wasn’t the way he’d been expecting the night to go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy tries to go after Clarke, but someone stops him. A conversation he had decided to postpone since coming to the new planet takes place.

Under the rage, the worry and the difficult task that became breathing, he was aware that someone was following him.  

Honestly, he couldn’t care less about who it was, as long as they didn’t get in the middle of him and the talk he’d to have with Clarke, but that wasn’t going to happen, apparently, because someone grabbed his arm and forced him to turn around, making him face the last person he wanted to see at the moment.  

(Considering what had happened with Octavia before they left the earth, that was saying something.) 

“Bellamy, would you just stop? Can’t we talk about this?” 

He huffed angrily, shook his head and walked towards the place he ached to be, trying to get to Clarke and, even if it sounded stupid and totally illogical, make sure she was okay, but Echo was there again, blocking his path.  

“It’s rich, coming from you, saying you want to talk after being quiet far too long,” he said, when he realized he wasn’t going to leave before having  _that_  conversation. He would’ve preferred it if they’d waited until he wasn’t fuming anymore, but if she wanted to face everything right there, then so be it. “Now it’s not the time.” 

“Yes,  _now_  it’s the time. You don’t get to run away when you’re angry. We need to talk about this and solve it. You heard Madi’s version, not mine. You need to let me explain.” 

He wanted to laugh bitterly, but he held back because there was nothing funny in the situation. He hadn’t even listened to Madi, yet. There were only facts in the words Murphy said, nothing essential that could change if he heard her.  

“ _Explain?!_  What is there to explain? Didn’t you tried to kill her?” 

She opened her mouth to defend herself, but no words came out.  

Saying it out loud made everything thousand times worse. More real and terrifying. There had been a lot of situations in which he could’ve lost Clarke—again, after Madi told him she was alive the night they returned to the Earth. The first one had been the same day, a few minutes after the girl had burst out from the trees telling them she was alive. He’d been able to embrace her with all his might and the idea of letting go had never been so stupid to him. 

And then his sister happened, he had promised together and, in the next blink, he left her screaming his name through the walls of that damn cell.  

(Sometimes, he swore he could still hear the sound of it in his ears.) 

Knowing that there had been another chance to lose her... it was killing him. He hadn’t been there to stop it, and if Madi hadn’t been there either, Clarke probably would’ve— 

Fuck, the mere thought of it made it hard for him to breathe.  

“Yes,” Echo said, finally. “But you don’t—” 

“There’s no ‘but’ that can justify it!” he cried out, masking his fear with anger.  

He wanted nothing more than to be with Clarke at the moment, hug her, make sure she was fine and there weren’t marks on her neck, even if he knew it was impossible, because they had been in the new planet for a few weeks. However, his words just seemed to make her angrier at him, even if she had no right to be.  

“She basically tried to kill you! What the hell am I supposed to have done? Let her walk away?” 

“ _Yes!_ ” he replied, and the finality of that word hit her like a physical blow. He wasn’t surprised by the certainty in his voice, but apparently she was. “You should’ve just let her be, because if there’s something that I know for sure is that I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to kill her, no matter what had happened between us.” 

“How can you say that?” she asked, taking a step back and looking disgusted at the idea. “She left  _you_  to die, Bellamy.” 

“I know that. But I also know that I betrayed her in Polis when I put the flame in Madi’s head when she told me not to.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t blame her for doing something like that when she thought I wasn’t on her side, and you all should stop.” 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that,” she said, shaking her head, pursing her lips before adding, “If you think you can justify everything she does wrong, do it. I still think we should’ve left her outside the ship before leaving Earth like we did the first time.” 

The words felt like a punch in the gut, and they left him frozen in place, making him look away from her. Even if he knew now that Clarke had survived Praimfaya, he never stopped feeling guilty for closing the door of the rocket that damn day, and those fucking words— She should’ve known better that saying them in his presence.  

Not even one word left his mouth at that, but he clenched his jaw so hard his teeth hurt, and his hands were curled into fists at his sides. He looked in her direction and he knew she meant every word. If it was her choice, she would’ve thrown Clarke from the ship without blinking. 

He couldn’t handle it anymore, and he honestly didn’t care if it wasn’t her intention, his decision was made. He walked around the place where she stood and continued without giving her a response.  

“We were talking, Bellamy,” she hissed, just behind him. “Where do you think you’re going?” 

“I’m going to go and talk to Clarke,” he told her, without looking back. The words barely made it out of his mouth. He was furious. “Follow me, leave me alone, go away, I don’t care. I can’t even see you right now. Maybe later we can talk.” 

“If you walk away from this before we finish this talk, we are over.” 

He turned around, almost colliding with her at the abrupt movement. She was frowning. “Don’t you get it? We were over since the moment I knew you tried to kill Clarke and weren’t even sorry for it. You just made it clearer for me, when you said you would’ve preferred if we had just... left her.” 

She scoffed, looking murderous. “Please. Don’t say it’s my fault when you know you were looking for excuses to leave me. You haven’t even touched me since we left the Earth, and every time I try something you say you’re tired.” 

“We are busy, Echo.” 

“We were at war on Earth, Bellamy,” she challenged him. “That didn’t stop me.”  

“Well, you want the truth?” He raised an eyebrow, willing to be honest after weeks of hiding. “Here, you have it. I was trying not to break another promise, but I guess I shouldn’t have made it in the first place. And I wouldn’t have, if I knew you hadn’t changed at all. If I knew that up there you were just trying to be another person.” 

“I’ve always been me.” 

“Yeah, I gathered that from this conversation.” 

“You haven’t changed either, Bellamy,” she said, from behind him when he walked away. “You’re still the knight at her queen’s side.” 

He froze one last time, turning to her to ask how did she knew about what had happened all those years ago, when Raven had been under A.L.I.E.’s influence, but she was already gone and he honestly didn’t care anymore.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading! I hope you're liking this, I would love and appreciate to hear your thoughts about this, so feel free to leave comments!


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey—hey, asshole!” he heard Raven behind him. “Stop!” 

Okay, so—he was an asshole, but he wasn't about to make Raven cross the entirety of the damn camp just because he was still angry, so he stopped and waited for her to reach him.  

“What the fuck were you thinking?” she demanded when she stood beside him, slightly out of breath. “We all knew what was going to happen when Bellamy figured out, and you had no right to talk to Echo like that. You should've kept your mouth shut, like everyone else did.” 

“I thought you knew why I did it. I mean, we did spend some time together—I don't know, like, six years?” he asked, disbelieving. “I'm not that stupid kid anymore. I grew up, which you should learn to do someday, and I'm tired of seeing how you treat Clarke, as if she hadn't saved our lives countless of times.” 

“She betrayed us.” 

“Yeah?” he asked, invading her personal space, their chests almost touching. They had fights before, and he was always respectful of her, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t give as good as he got. “Echo risked the life of your precious Shaw, and you still forgave her. Think of a better reason.” 

“She left Bellamy to die.” 

“He did it first, all these years ago. And he had just betrayed her this time, can you really blame her?  _Try again._ ” 

She stood there, her eyes like fire. “She killed Monty and Harper.” 

Fuck, that was— 

It wasn’t what he was expecting. At all. 

He blinked, out of balance for a second. He could finally understand the reason she was so unforgiving to Clarke. It had appeared weird to him, that she had forgiven their friend for being the other woman, for killing the boy she loved, and for a thousand sins more, but she couldn’t move on for something the blonde did because she thought she was alone. 

They had spent so much time on the Ring that she had forgotten how to grieve, and he could relate, because holding onto anger and resentment was easier than cry. 

He raised an eyebrow. “That's all?” 

“What do you mean, ‘that's all’?” she retorted, angrily. “Isn't that enough? They were family, and suddenly they are not here  _because of her_.” 

“Fuck, Raven,” He ran a hand over his face. “Can't you see? Clarke didn't kill them,  _they_  decided how they wanted to spend their lives. They had a son, and they lived in peace for their entire lives. You  _fucking_  knew them. That was what they wanted, and you're blaming Clarke because you don’t know how to deal with it. I‘m not really in the mood to choose a side.” 

“There aren't sides here, Murphy. We are family. You're the one who has been keeping himself isolated from us because you've been with Clarke. Just like Bellamy.” 

"You've been isolating Clarke,” he replied, because that was the truth, and he wasn’t going to return to the group if they kept behaving that way with her. Cockroaches stick together, and all that. “And, even if none of you wants to have anything to do with her, _I_  do remember what she did for us before we were on the Ring, and I know how it feels being in her place, so just back the hell off. She doesn't deserve anything you're throwing at her because you can’t find somewhere else to put your anger.” 

She scoffed, but he was so damn tired and he just wanted to go to his tent and sleep until his responsibilities came searching for him that he didn't wanted to fight with her anymore. “Now, if you don’t have nothing else to say, I'm going to look for Clarke.” 

“Well, I do have something to say—” 

“Raven, just stop.” 

“How much time do you think you can pull this off?” she asked, not caring about his interruption. “Trying to be Clarke’s friend, just because Emori and you couldn’t make it work? Being there for her, and just— What are you going to say to Bellamy when he finally realizes you’re sleeping together?” 

That made him stop in his tracks. He searched in her eyes, because he couldn’t believe that she was serious.  

And then he laughed, when he saw she totally was. She couldn’t be more wrong. 

“Do you really think that I’m going to pull that shit on Clarke?” he asked. “What the hell do you think we are doing? Friends with benefits?” He gave a disbelieving laugh, because Clarke needed a friend, someone who wanted to listen, even if he was certain that every advice he gave her was shitty at best. “She deserves better, and I’m not sure we have it on us to do that kind of thing.” He shook his head. “You don’t have any right to judge when you are not even trying to understand.” 

“Well, then, Murphy,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her and arching a challenging eyebrow. “Enlighten me.” 

He huffed. “I’ve told you before. I was isolated for months—alone. I was tortured, treated like shit, and beaten thousands of times, just like her. She has always had the weight of the world on her shoulders. You think you understand what she went through, for how much? A few seconds? And then you forget it and turn your backs on her because she made a mistake. 

“She was in solitary on the Ark after her father's death. We left her here to die— _for us_ , her friends. She sacrificed everything for us! First her life, then her sanity, and you're all here, thinking you're better than her? You're so full of yourselves that you don't see how much she spent alone here. How hard that must have been for her.” 

“She had Madi,” Raven said, but her voice was small, and she’d abandoned her previous posture. Even she knew that wasn’t good enough. “She wasn't alone.”  

“Oh, so we are talking about the fact that she had to take care of a child? Good point, Raven. Why don’t we talk about it? She had to learn to take care of that kid, and now everyone is judging her for wanting to protect her. Can’t you see your mistake yet? 

“She thinks she deserves everything you’re all doing to her, and I’m sick of it. She has told me, time and time again, that she doesn’t want me near her because she doesn’t want to make me choose. You all make her think she isn't one of us anymore, and she believes it.  If I have to spend one more minute listening how much you don't appreciate what she did for us in the past, I can't be around you. While you are here talking shit about her, she is taking care of a panicked teenager who is dealing with a lot of nightmares that aren’t even her own. So, drop it, because right now I can’t even look at you.” 

He shook his head, disappointed at her lack of response, and when he turned to go, he was glad she didn’t try to stop him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! There are only two or three chapters left of this, but I think the next one will take more time than the previous ones, so don't expect to have it tomorrow. I'll try to update as soon as I can, but I'm not really sure if that'll be before monday. 
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos!


	4. Chapter 4

By the time he reached Madi and Clarke’s tent, he was sure she wouldn’t want to talk to anybody after what happened by the bonfire, but he also knew that they had to sort things out if they wanted to be a united front when they faced the leaders. He would wait, until she was ready. He didn’t have any other place he wanted to be, and he was willing to stay outside her tent until she wanted to solve all the mess they had ahead of them. 

He wasn’t going anywhere. Not anymore, and she needed to know that.  

Bellamy took a deep breath, and hesitated before calling out, “Clarke?”  

For a second, there was no response, and then he heard a rustle coming from the inside, and her voice came through. “Just go, Bellamy. We have work to do tomorrow.” 

“We won’t be able to do the work if we are still like this.” 

“Not right now, okay? Please don’t—” 

 _“Clarke.”_  

“Just—go away, Bellamy. You don’t need to come here to check on me, I can protect myself just fine, and we can talk in the morning.” 

“I came here to apologize.” 

More faster than he thought possible, the flap of the tent opened, and Clarke was there. Her jaw set, her brows furrowed in confusion. “Why the hell would you do that?” 

“Fuck, Clarke. Why wouldn’t I? There are so many things that I’m sorry for.” 

She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter now. We’re in a different planet, and it’s... it’s full of second chances.”  

“It matters to me, because I’m tired of being like this. Aren’t you?” He raised an eyebrow, and then he became restless on his feet, nodding towards the inside of the place she was living in. “Can I come in?” 

She bit her lip, but nodded, stepping aside to let him in. He was right, they needed to face the problem and solve it to prove how strong they were together, to prove how much they deserved a place to live in the new land. How were they going to do that if all they could talk about was the destiny of the rest of the people from Earth? They needed to be okay with each other first to work well together. 

She motioned for him to take a sit on her bed, while she stood at the entrance of the tent, just in case she needed to escape the weight of the words that were threatening to drown her.  

“I’m sorry for... what Echo did to you.” He ran a hand over his face. “Fuck, I’m sorry for every single thing they are doing to you right now.” 

She shrugged, hugging herself. “Nothing is your fault,” she replied tiredly. “You didn’t do anything.” 

She wanted to tell him, how much she thought she deserved it all, but he already knew that, and he and Murphy had been trying to make her feel at home, including her in their lives, in their hearts and their family. She didn’t want to listen that, again.  

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry for that.” 

“It’s okay. They are... they are your family, and I get that you want to take responsibility for their actions, but—there’s nothing you can do about it, and  _it is okay_.” 

There was something in those words that made him uneasy, and his eyes were sad when he realized what it was. 

“Please tell me you don't really believe that.” 

Clarke blinked repeatedly, trying to pretend that she didn’t understand what he was talking about. Sometimes she wished that they weren’t as connected as they were before, that they couldn’t understand each other so well after so many years, deceptions and broken hearts; but, on the other hand, maybe the pain that came with it was worth it, because at least she still had that little thing between them. “What?” 

“That you don’t belong with us. That you’re not my family. Clarke—you  _are_  my family.” 

She looked at him; tired and sad. “Bellamy, I know that you’re trying to make me feel... included, but... I know that everything is different now.” 

“ _You_ —” his voice was full of disbelief. His eyes wide and looking in earnest to every little thing in hers. “Do you think I don't care anymore?” 

“No. I know it's true.” 

“Clarke—"  

It was the brokenness in his voice what did it. The way he said her name, as if she was breaking his heart and not the other way around, was the push she needed to  _really_  talk. 

“I asked one thing of you, Bellamy. You promised something you broke just after a few hours. And I—No matter how much it hurt me, I totally get it. You had to—” 

“No, I don't think you understand.” 

“Oh, well, then explain it to me,” she said, letting her hands fall at her sides. “It seems that I'm not smart enough for this.” 

“That's not—Fuck, Clarke, that's not what I meant and you know it.” 

“Oh, I don't know, it seems that you believe that I'm not—” 

“Stop, please? You told me to use my head—” 

“And now it's my fault?!” 

“No! Clarke—” 

“No, Bellamy. Let me say it: I told you to  _use your head, too_. Not just your head, not that you had to became someone who couldn’t use his heart anymore. Fuck, if I knew what that would do to you, I would’ve just kept my mouth shut.” Clarke realized that her lip was trembling by then, and she knew she was in the verge of crying, but she also knew that they  _did_  need to talk. She forced her gaze away from him to blink away the tears, because Bellamy looked absolute miserable. “You're an amazing leader. You don't want power, and you'll do whatever it takes to keep your people safe, and I always knew you’d be like that, you just needed to think before acting. And I’m glad you do, now. Even if that meant that you had to betray me.” 

He visibly winced at those words, but she didn't want to feel sorry for that. It was the truth, and they needed to face it sooner rather than later. 

“Do you think I don’t know that I hurt you? Because I do. Do you think that, if it had been another choice, I would have put the flame in Madi’s head?” He shook his head, standing up. “I wouldn’t have thought about it. At all.” He licked his lips. “I can’t forget how you looked at me when you left me in Polis, Clarke. I know how badly I hurt you. That look in your eyes... after Madi, you have no idea how hard it was, when she told me you wouldn’t forgive me. How I knew in that moment that it was true.” 

Fuck. “Bellamy—” 

“No, okay? You talked, I listened. This has to work two ways. You were always part of my family, Clarke. That hasn’t changed, and it  _won’t_  change. Every day, up there? You were in my mind since the moment I woke up. Every choice I made? I made it thinking of you.” Her heart broke, one and a thousand times more, because she could see the truth in his words, listen to it in the tone of his voice. “I—” he interrupted himself, taking a shaky breath. “You have no idea, how much it hurt when I left you. How much we struggled because you weren’t there. You, our friend, not Wanheda, not our leader.  _You_.” When he looked at her, the pain in his eyes took her to a memory from years ago, under the stars. “How much I missed you.” 

“And you betrayed me because of that?” she asked, incredulous. “Because you  _missed_  me?” 

“No, I did it because it was the only choice.” He sighed, looking at the floor and running a hand through his hair. “It was a thousand times better if you lived to hate me than see you die like your life was nothing. I wasn’t going to watch you die if I could help it.” 

She closed her eyes, trying her hardest not to cry. “Get out.” 

“What?” His eyes were wild when they found hers, knowing immediately that something was terribly wrong with her voice. “No, we're—” 

“We're done, Bellamy.” She couldn't open her eyes. The moment she did, the tears will fall. “Just—go, okay? Don't feel like you owe me. I saved all of you, then I left you to die, we’re even.  _Just go_.” 

“Don't do this,” he begged. “Don't shut me out. I spent six years without my best friend.” 

“We're different people now, and we can't be... like that, anymore.” 

“Why?” 

There were so many answers to that question, and all of them were dying to get out.  _Because I love you. Because I want every part of you and_ _you're_ _wi_ _t_ _h someone else_ _. Because I talked to you every damn day for six years in_ _that_ _stupid radio. Because I am not your family anymore._ "Because we are different people now, Bellamy.” 

He shook his head, “We can’t even get to know that if you don’t talk to me.” He took a deep breathe. “Fuck, you have no idea how sorry I am,” he said, and she feels it tugging at her heart because she can see how much everything is hurting him.  

“Bellamy, it's not your fault. Stop apologizing.”  

He shook his head, again. “No, Clarke, you don't get it. I'm sorry for leaving you behind at Praimfaya.” 

Clarke’s expression immediately softened, and then sadness was present on all her face. “ _Bellamy._ ” 

“Madi told me about the radio calls,” he said, licking his lips. “And I couldn't stop thinking... when you left me in Polis, I thought you didn't care for me anymore, and I've been thinking that maybe you did what you did because you thought that, too. That I didn’t care about you. That you left me there because you thought I just wanted you to make the hard choices, but—Clarke, that’s the furthest thing from the truth.” 

She ducked her head.  

“Hey, don't hide,” he whispered, taking a step closer, itching to touch her, to comfort her. “Just... you have to know that's not truth. Every breathe I've taken, I did it for you and thanks to you. Fuck, Clarke, you have no idea how much it hurt when I realized you weren't coming with us. You have no idea what it did to me, knowing that I couldn’t wait for you. How hard it was to breathe, knowing that you weren’t there.” 

He took one more step in her direction until his hands were on her arms. 

“If I could... I would’ve stayed with you.” 

The confession took her by surprise because, even with years without each other, they were still connected, somehow. She could see he meant it, and that only made her cry. First there were only a few tears falling without her permission, but he stepped even closer and wrapped her in his arms, and she was gone. All the façade, all the pain and all the loneliness came crashing down and the walls she had around her fell.  

“This is all my fault,” she sobbed against his shoulder, thinking about the war, about him being left to die, about Monty and Harper.  

He knew what she meant, but even then— “It's not, Clarke,” he told her, as if it were an undeniable fact for him, the words coming out with conviction. Maybe for him, it was.  

Even after the reunion at the breach and the embrace they had after they woke up, she couldn’t go back to normal. But, how could she? She had spent six years wishing for him to come back to her, had been dreaming for the feel of his mouth on hers. And when he came back to her, he wasn't even hers. It made her analyze every interaction they had before those six years of hell, it made her think that maybe he never had been close to be anything like that to her, that all of it was in her head.  

It made her sad, empty, and angry at herself for not seeing it before. For hoping, instead of see all the possibilities. It would have saved her from a broken heart. 

“It is,” she insisted with ferocity. “I had chances to kill McCreary. If I could just—” 

His voice is gentle when he whispers, “The what ifs have never helped anyone, Clarke.” 

She has the desire to laugh, to cry, to scream over that words because he’d just told her he would’ve stayed with her if he could, and it wasn’t much different. 

Why couldn’t she have learned that sooner?  _Why?!_  If she had, maybe she wouldn't be teared to pieces. Maybe a lot of things would've gone differently if she had done just that. If she hadn’t had a game in her head, just to torture herself.  _What if she had fallen for him first instead of Finn? What if she hadn't left him at Camp Jaha's gates? What if she'd told him she loved him more than anything, that she couldn't bear to lose him and that she knew him inside and out, with all failures and still loved him with all her might?_  

There were so much variables, and none of them were gentle with her. 

“Yeah. They are just there to torture me,” she shrugged, as well as she could while still hugging him. “I guess I deserve it.” 

He pulled away from her, just enough so he could look at her. “After all that happened to you? You just deserve good things.” 

She nodded, knowing he meant it, but she wasn’t convinced.  

“Just tell me you would,” Clarke whispered. “Tell me that if you could return in time, you could've taken the worms and Madi, and then you would’ve drove to the Valley, and it’ll be okay.”  

“What did I just told you about what ifs?” She thought it was an easy choice, but his pause was killing her. He stayed there, unmoving, with eyes closed while she waited. “I can't,” he finally told her, the words full of pain.  

“Why?” she stepped back from his embrace hugged herself. “Why is it so hard?” 

“I wasn’t lying when I told you that if it wasn’t the only choice, I wouldn’t have got Madi involved, but—” He took a shaky breath. “It doesn’t matter if it’s just something... hypothetical. I can’t lie to you. If it was the same situation from before? Fuck, Clarke. I would never have allowed my sister to kill you.” 

“It’s not that simple.” 

His expression was soft, and his eyes glistened with unshed tears when he gave her a small smile, one of those with thousands of secrets hidden beneath. “For me, it is.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry I'm late. This chapter gave me some trouble, and I'm not even sure if it's going to stay like this or if I'll return to change something in the future, but I really hope you like it! I don't speak english that well, so if you offer me your help as beta-reader, I'll be thrilled. I mentioned before that this is going to be part of a series, but I don't remember if I said it in a comment or a note, so I'm repeating it now. The next one is going to be longer than this, and I will post it the same day I bring next chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'd love to know your thoughts, so please comment! See you soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, this took longer than I wanted to. I finished this a long time ago, and the next part of this series is in the making, but I had no way of uploading and— ugh, season six is here and I didn't want it before I finished, but, well, what can I do? 
> 
> This isn't the end, and if you liked it, please read the next part. I've been worrying about it for far too long, and I hope you like it as much as I'm enjoying the writing proccess.

“Is she asleep already?” Murphy asked, tired, and sitting on Jordan’s makeshift bed.  

“Yeah,” Jordan replied, from where he was sitting on the floor, turning for a moment to look at Madi. “When I was on my way back, I saw Bellamy outside Clarke’s tent, and I figured I could give them some time after all the mess that happened out there, so I told her to stay here. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, they deserve it. And Emori is not coming tonight, or any other night, for that matter.” At his silence, he glanced at Monty’s kid, and arched an eyebrow. “What has you so quiet?” 

“I—nothing.” 

 _“Jordan.”_  

It was still weird, how he blushed, as if he was just a kid being reprimanded, but, well, that was because he grew up thinking of them as his parent’s equals. It’ll take time, for them to treat him like an adult, and for him to stop behaving like someone younger. However, Murphy wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. 

“I, uhm, stumbled upon something I shouldn’t have listened, and It's awkward.” At Murphy’s intense stare, he relented. “Echo and Bellamy fought.” 

He snorted, spreading his legs in front of him. “I would be surprised if they hadn’t.” 

“No, like—not a couple-y fight. They fought, and then Bellamy just— I think he broke up with her?” 

He stopped in the middle of discarding his jacket, and seriously looked at the man who was his friend’s son. It was weird, but he knew him well enough to believe that the expression he wore was of confusion.  

He still didn’t see what could cause that. Bellamy broke up with Echo. It was—honestly, Murphy had been expecting it, since they discovered Clarke was alive, but they had lasted longer than he thought they would. 

“Well, shit,” Murphy whistled. “That was fast.” 

Of course, it wasn’t. It would’ve been if Bellamy had ended things on earth, but he thought they at least would expect until tomorrow to talk about things.  

Jordan frowned. “You knew that was going to happen?” 

“Echo tried to kill Clarke, _again_. I’m not surprised.” 

“But—” 

“Jordan,” Murphy warned him, eyeing warily towards Madi’s direction. “Just... let it go.” 

The young man listened, and they stood there enjoying the silence until Murphy frowned and stood up, putting back his jacket and leaving the tent. When he reached his destiny, he whispered Clarke and Bellamy’s names before daring to look inside and see what was happening. He found them asleep on Clarke's bed; her hand on his chest, and Bellamy's arm around her shoulders. 

He resisted the urge to say “Finally,” and left, ready to let the fatigue of the time they had been traveling make him surrender to the slumber. 


End file.
